The First, Second and Forty-Eighth Diet
by eloquentfever
Summary: Semi-sequel to The First, Second and Forty-Eight Time. Kurt and Sebastian are dating but here are 47 times Kurt tries to stay on a diet and 1 time he said screw it, and let's demolish a whole cheesecake. Kurtbastian. All dialogue. Caution: DRY, OFFENSIVE HUMOUR - includes stereotypes and can be crude and offensive depending on who you are.
1. Cherry Tomatoes

_obviously, like the first one of this series, the humour is seriously dry and offensive. so be aware of that - even though i didnt warn for my type of pretty dry humour, i'm warning you now and since humour is subjective, you might not find half the stuff they say funny at all. or you might totally love it. anyway, so here is the new series. this is following "The First, Second & Forty-Eighth Time" after they established a relationship. this is just Kurt trying to diet - of course, failing miserably so an Sebastian being a dick, like he always is. _

_you don't have to read the first one to get this one. definitely not. you'll totally catch on because nothing really happened in the first one. all you need to know is that Sebastian and Kurt were fuck buddies and now, are in a relationship. that's just about it. oh and Sebastian's Mother is trying to get them to marry. also, Sebastian has a cat named Blaine. thats just about it i think. _

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Title: The First, Second & Forty-Eighth Diet  
Rated: +13  
Summary: semi-sequel to The First, Second and Forty-Eight Time. Kurt and Sebastian are dating but here are 47 times Kurt tries to stay on a diet and 1 time he said screw it, and let's demolish a whole cheesecake. Kurtbastian. All dialogue.  
Genre: Romance/Humour

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Chapter 1

Cherry Tomatoes

* * *

"Hummel, no. Don't do it or _I swear to the God you don't believe in_ that I will throw myself on top of Mount Olympus."

"Dear Prada, Sebastian…why are you so against me being on a _diet_? Is it because I'm beautiful and lovely just the way I am so I don't have to lose an ounce of fat off my body?"

"No, it's because if you go on a diet, then I'd have to eat that disgusting diet crap too. Plus, they don't make _diet_ pizza burgers! I _want_ my fucking meat, preferably fried in a bat of oil and lard."

"…your love for me burns with the fury of a thousand suns. Please stop being so selfless, Sebastian. I would like to explain that when I am on this said diet, you will be allowed to eat as many snacks, and get your own fattening lard-based burger, but yes, I will cook for you during those meals and they will be proper and healthy _and no, none of these are being fed to Blaine the cat_, or given to Artie or Mike for their projects on radioactive chemistry yet _again_. Anymore questions?"

"_You're_ on the diet. Why do _I_ get the '_die'_ part of the diet?"

"Excuse me. You don't know how hard it is for me, okay? I have to come by after Glee, and sit down here and measure cheese. Diet means good, healthy food that I will have to eat and suffer through just to shave off those few pounds. It means that I don't get any Domino's. You don't understand, Sebastian. You've never been in love like I have been before. You don't understand how prepared I am to trade a kidney for anything that is covered in chocolate."

"Good. We're on the same page. No diet it is then! Let's go to Domino's!"

"Sebastian, I'm going on a diet, and you're eating good, nice meals with me made with sesame and olive oil, and we're going to sit on that dining room table, munching on whole-wheat bread and talking about our lovely day."

"How about no thanks?"

"How about cook your own lunch?"

"Remember last time I cooked Blaine lunch?"

"…"

"Hummel?"

"That was _not_ cooking—that was trying to find out the formulae for a slow, horrendous suicide—and I still wonder how you managed to give Blaine food poisoning for the better part of _two months!"_

"Kurt, Kurt, I've got an idea. What if I cook for you and you end up throwing up everything you eat and you can still have all the cheesecake you want since it's not gonna stay in anyway and in two months, you'd have lost twenty pounds! Just look at Blaine! Completely gorgeous if you look past the fact that you can see half his ribcage!"

"…you're offering me a form of _bulimia_?"

"…maybe."

"You disturb me."

"Don't you think I'm disturbed? I'm pretty sure that the real reason why people die is because they go on diets. Really. You go on, dieting and being happy and healthy and then one day, you have this sudden urge to eat Twinkies until you die just like that episode of _Supernatural_. You can't die, Hummel—who else am I going to have sex with? The mailman? He's horrible in bed and he smells like greasy armpits."

"…what did I tell you about doing naughty things with the mailman? And apparently, greasy is good according to your logic that every hamburger must be fried into a tub of lard. Dear God, how much crack is your metabolism snorting?"

"I swear I stopped snorting crack five hours ago."

"…Sebastian, how the hell are you even alive?"

"I'm too sexy to die."

"Great, so you will not die eating crappy diet food. Now, come on. I already made lunch and I want your opinion on salad."

"…you call grass lunch? And I think this vaguely looks like a tomato. Huh. Look at that, Hummel. I've only seen tomatoes on top of pizzas before. They come in cherry versions too. Wow. You learn something new every week."

"…aren't you in school? Shouldn't you be learning something new every day?"

"Well, the teachers keep on seducing me so my poor mind always goes to the gutter. I'm a victim really. I mean, he might do things with me…not that I'd have any objection—"

"…stop checking out Mr Bell's ass, Sebastian."

"Why?"

"…see, Sebastian. I _have_ to be on a diet because I have to have an ass pretty enough for you to ogle."

"Hummel, if you go on a diet, you will starve off your ass and you will die. One day, you will go insane and in the midst of me giving you an epic blow-job, you will pull me away and ask me if I know how many calories there is in semen and I probably just digested five million calories that are going to make me obese and that I will die from a semen attack. Hummel, two things in life that I need: food, and sex. There is no other reason to exist, other than watching Blaine undress."

"…I thought we both agreed that you will stop watching my ex-boyfriend get naked."

"I thought we both agreed that you will stop watching your stepbrother get naked."

"Shh. He does it in front of me."

"I'm sure that's the case and the reason why you accidentally find yourself walking into his room five times when he's undressing because the pills your therapist gave you cause some memory loss and also poor motor skills so it takes you all of the five minutes to get out of his room. That's definitely the case. It's not because you're stalking your beloved stepbrother's buttocks."

"I am _not_ stalking his buttocks."

"Stalking, admiring, taking pictures and/or videos of to masturbate to at night. I'm pretty sure they're all synonyms."

"…"

"…"

"...Sebastian, are you choking? Oh my Prada, you're _choking_!"

_-Cue three minutes of hysteria as Kurt tries to push the cherry tomato out of Sebastian's mouth-_

"…Hummel?"

"Yeah, Sebastian? Are you alive?"

"…'_good health' _just went all kinky breath play on my throat! _Good health tried to kill me!"_

"You've over exaggerating…"

"I was _choking_ on that huge shit thing! _And stop giggling_! I nearly _died_ because of the juices on that thing!"

"…that's what smirky meerkat said."

* * *

_ xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	2. Ben & Jerry's

Chapter 2

Ben & Jerry's

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"Dear Sebastian, my stomach is currently ripping itself out inside out due to your kinky foreplay with the culprits Ben and Jerry. This kind of foreplay manages to rip through my heart and then reduce it to nothing more than juice of aorta with a small amount of pulp due to the chambers of my heart being snapped into shreds and pieces. You are currently murdering my waist just by staring at you do the treachery that you're doing."

"…you want me to starve myself from lack of Ben and Jerry's because you're on a fucking diet that I never told you to go on and you can't handle watching me indulge myself?"

"No, I am a loving and considerate boyfriend. I just want to save you from becoming a glutton and dying of high-blood pressure and type-two diabetes."

"…Hummel, I'm underweight and have low blood sugar."

"That's not the point. Get rid of the ice-cream or I will kill you with my fork."

"What a boyfriend you are. Trying to make me die by lack of ice-cream. I'm pretty sure that's a federal offence in some country. This is abuse. This is you making me starve. What if I lose a pound and die off from losing said pound then will you be happy because you lost some weight? Will it fill your need for losing weight?"

"Yes."

"Wow, Hummel, I misjudged you. You really could rival with Ted Bundy."

"Just because I wanted you to stop devouring delicious fattening ice-cream makes me rival with a mass murdering psychopath?"

"Well, apparently, you called me Hannibal Lector _just_ because I threw a slushie at your pathetic yet sexy ex-boyfriend, blackmailed the Warblers and because I photoshopped a tragic picture of your stepbrother's figure?"

"Firstly, there is the slight fact that slushying my ex-boyfriend nearly blinded him. The Warblers are still terrified of you and were lost. Also, my stepbrother has body issues and you just made it five times worse."

"You're excluding the fact that you're a peeping Tom and stalk his naked butt."

"Well, I was just showing him that his rear is excellent."

"Every straight man's dream is to be stalked by their gay midget stepbrother."

"I am not a midget. If I'm a midget, Blaine must not even _exist_ in your world."

"Good. If Blaine doesn't exist then I can fuck him all I want."

"_Sebastian_. You are the worst boyfriend ever. Boyfriends do not discuss how much they want to bang their other boyfriend's exes. They also do not leave their dirty laundry across the room. Boyfriends do not offer cocaine to their lovers. And boyfriends certainly do not threaten their other boyfriends with a fork."

"_You're_ the one that threatened me with a fork, Hummel. And you're right. That's not what boyfriends do. It's what husbands do."

"This is the crappiest proposal ever if you're proposing to me."

"…ew. Why would I propose to you? I'd rather suck on my own cock."

"Thanks for your increasing by the minute love, Sebastian. Please, stop. I can't handle all of this love."

"Well, handle it. And make me a pie with it. Preferably an apple pie."

"…how the hell can you eat so much? Do you have _nine stomachs_ or something?"

"I don't actually eat that much, Hummel. Your brain is just skewed and devoid of logic because no matter what medical fucker says, lettuce ain't enough to fuel your power. Ice cream is the sex."

"…give me sex."

"Oh, eager—Hummel, do not steal my Ben and Jerry's—"

"Go fuck yourself. This is mine. All of this in mine. This Ben and Jerry's that you bought is mine. That TV that you're watching an atrocious sitcom from? Mine. Your cock? Mine. Not Blaine's. Mine."

"…Hummel, you've got a milk allergy."

"Shut up, you five cent whore."

"Hey. At least you learned how to call me by my name. Ha."

* * *

_ xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	3. Lollipops

Chapter 3

Lollipops

* * *

"Sebastian, you have to sort out your priorities. You cannot keep sucking on that piece of shit lollipop."

"Why? Too suggestive?"

"No, it's sugar, and I want it. Oh and until I lose a few pounds, we are not having sex."

"You really get off of punishing me, right? Just because you decided you want to lose a few pounds, I'm being punished and not in the nice, hot, kinky way either."

"Sex is depressing when your boyfriend weighs less than you."

"You think I want to weigh less than you? I feel like a pixie. Or a fairy. I do not feel manly at all but so far, you have told me to eat seasoned grass and tomatoes. That are not on pizzas. Who eats tomatoes that are not on pizzas? It is fucking inhuman!"

"Blaine does. Actually, Blaine eats them as snacks."

"Blaine is flawless. He isn't human."

"…I wasn't aware you were dating Blaine. I thought you were dating me. For several months now."

"Hey, I agreed to date you and have sex with you but you know it yourself that Blaine is far more sophisticated and sexier than you are. No offence."

"No offence?"

"Hey, I thought this relationship crap was based on honesty. And sex. And Ben and Jerry's. Two things you have deprived me of. I am allowed to be grumpy and throw tantrums. I have special needs, like butter, lipids, and hydrogenated palm oil."

"You are right. It is based on honestly, so I am honestly telling you that watching you eat food depresses me."

"Hummel, I used to think that being in a relationship with you was a slow, depressing way of self-strangling but…wait, what was my point again?"

"That being in a relationship with me strangles people?"

"Yes! That was completely my point. So, now that we're together, will you tell me if Blaine squirms when you strangle him with bowties? Can you strangle me kinkily with bowties?"

"Are you a _masochist_?"

"…is that a real question?"

"Sebastian, do you have urges to cuddle me and call me beautiful and say that I am completely and utterly flawless? Just once?"

"Hummel, no. The penis policed might decide to chop mine off if I do."

"Okay. Here's the deal. If you say something nice to me, I might let you keep your lollipops. And maybe – just maybe – your pepperoni pizza, which I did not gawk at longingly for twenty-five minutes no matter what Blaine says."

"…okay. Your incessant nagging with your horribly nasally voice gives me vertigo."

"…my nagging gives you a subtype of dizziness that can be serious?"

"Yeah, that."

"…gimmie the lollipop, Sebastian. Go sit in a corner and think about a proper way of complimenting me. And the corner is nowhere next to the TV."

"I hope you're planning hot latex sex in that head of yours."

"No. Give me that lollipop."

_-Kurt takes lollipop and puts it into his mouth-_

"…Hummel, you're on a diet."

"Shut up. Corner."

"You know. You're only three days in and you broke your diet like twice already so you should be in the naughty corner."

"Sebastian, I'll _spank_ you."

"I wish you would."

* * *

_ xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	4. Tuxedo Fitting

Chapter 4

Tuxedo Fitting

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"No, Sebastian, I will not go to your tuxedo fitting because your Mother is a whore and I do not want to be faced with my weight gain."

"Hey, only _I'm_ allowed to call my Mother a whore, Hummel."

"So, what are we getting fitted for?"

"My birthday party. There will be cake and there will be no diet cake either. I will live my life on my birthday. I told my Father that I will hire a male stripper, but then I realised that wasn't any fun so I am the one that's walking out of that fucking cake. I will be a male stripper on my seventeenth birthday. This tuxedo is just for show."

"Oh, well. I suppose I'll be eating cake twice that night and gain five pounds. So what about this party?"

"It is a normal party as in, there may be criminals so watch out, and there might be an event that ends up with one of us being underwater for a duration of time. Also, there is a chance that many men will slap your butt and offer you cocaine and sex. Just say no and if one of them tells gives you a brownie, it's probably laced with pot. Highly recommended, just don't sleep with him."

"That is a normal party?"

"…why? What _do you do_ in your parties? Get drunk and have a game of spin the bottle with Blaine making out with Berry?"

"…no, that never happened."

"Whatever. My parties are fun. However, it is normally for various people to get arrested so don't be surprised. On a scale to 'police can let it slide' to 'the court are going to charge you with fifteen years in prison', our parties average to about a 'a court order must be filed but unless they have evidence, you're okay'."

"Dear goodness, Sebastian, what kind of people do you know?"

"Know them? I had sex with them. Some of them multiple times already."

"It makes me feel exceptionally special to realise that my boyfriend had sex with at least half of the people in his seventeenth birthday party."

"…well, if you think about it in a hot way, I could've had any of those other fuckers, but I chose the one that mostly resembled my Mother."

"Gee. Thanks."

_-After Fitting-_

"How could I have put on an inch around my stomach? That is impossible, Sebastian. Impossible. I'm trying to eat better. I'm dieting."

"—which you can't _properly_ do really."

"Sebastian, I'm freaking out here."

"Well, you have a scale. Use it. Secondly, Hummel, since my Mother is forcing me to wear a bowtie, you have to invite Blaine to the party and make sure he's only wearing a bowtie."

"Sebastian, what did I tell you about having sex with other men, especially my ex-boyfriend?"

"I'm not having sex with him. I'm admiring his physique."

"Blaine is a skeleton because of you, so therefore, I must lose weight to compete with that kind of skinniness."

"Who fucking cares about Blaine's weight? I want to know how his cock and butt look like without the clothes. With the clothes, I'm on constant orgasm. Now, without would be the perfect seventeenth birthday present."

"I'm your perfect seventeenth birthday present."

"Fuck you. Don't tell me what to want."

"You did fuck me. Several times."

"Yes, I did and you're hot. I only fuck hot people so you better know that I won't ever fuck you unless you are hot so therefore, I don't give a damn if you're fat or black or have little tities because you're a female to male transgender."

"No, Sebastian, I must starve."

"Alright, then I'm going to Baskin Robbins alone."

"Get me ice-cream with you."

"I thought you were on a diet."

"Point taken. Give me a huge scoop of _low-fat_ ice-cream with crushed KitKats and chocolate chips on top. See? I am on a diet."

"Of course you are and I'm going to sacrifice my soul to Satan."

"…Sebastian, I'd hate to burst your bubble – not really – but you can't sacrifice your soul to Satan if you have no soul."

"So get one for me on my seventeenth. And Blaine wearing only a bowtie. And a new car so we can have car sex in a new car with new car smell. That is all I want for my seventeenth birthday."

"You realise this list alone can land you into a psych ward, right?"

"Only vaguely."

* * *

_ xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	5. Cadbury Eggs

Chapter 5

Cadbury eggs

* * *

"Sebastian, I am depressed. My boyfriend keeps on eating in front of me and he's a gay man looking at lesbian porn."

"That's not lesbian porn. That's me in a dress being fucked by you being tape-recorded."

"…that is disturbingly graphic and I am ninety-nine percent sure I was drunk because in sixty seconds, I have screamed out more swears than I had in my whole entire life."

"It's the reason why I put alcohol in your drink is because there isn't any sex as hot as you drunk. You called me a slut, whore, bastard, bitch and cunt all in the same sentence. It was so hot."

"…I had no idea calling you obscene things was so thrilling."

"See. That's why I don't have sex with you when you're sober. You talk like a college professor – actually, I've fucked a handful of college professors and they weren't as boring as you are."

"Sebastian, why do you always mention your sexual inquisitions to me as they make me want to sterilise your cock?"

"Ouch, that's the wrong kind of hot."

"Get up from your spot, Sebastian and try to help me employ this healthy habit of exercise. We are going to go jogging together."

"…I sure hope that's a euphemism for sex, because the last time I jogged was somewhere between never and not going to happen."

"You are getting up from that chair and we are going to go jog because we are in love and we do things together. Get up, Sebastian or I will combust certain parts of you."

_-Supposedly attempting to jog-_

"Sebastian, it is not called jogging if you start running for five seconds and then decide to relax for an hour. Then you decide to go to the store and buy chocolate. It is not jogging when you are sitting down, with that tongue caressing that Cadbury egg like a lovechild."

"Cadbury eggs are like being sided fucked by the Easter bunny. So much delicious chocolate."

"Do you even taste sucrose anymore?"

"Probably not."

"This time, I didn't give in and grab that egg right off your hand, so I count this as a personal best. Usually, I would've taken it and devoured it by now because it was so tempting."

"Well, Hummel, it's definitely _not_ because you are devouring a bigass pretzel the size of my cock or anything."

* * *

_ xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	6. Turnover Talk

_This chapter deals with a mentioning of an abusive relationship. It's not too dramatic at all. Actually, Sebastian gives off this 'I don't care about it' demeanour as always. It's not to make fun of things, but it's honestly how people now react to past things. When we tell someone something sad from the past, all we can really do is say that we're sorry it happened. Sebastian's train of thought here is that it's stupid to try and talk to Kurt about what happened in the past because 1) it happened in the past 2) why bring back bad memories? It's not meant to come off as taking things light to a serious topic, because honestly, if someone tells me something sad about their life or something depressing, I don't know how to react. The most you can do is assure them. Same thing here – yes, it may be a humour fanfic but it also comes off as realistic because of the reality of that alone. _

_With that in mind, read it. If it offends you early on, stop reading. Anyway, it has a bit of drama but definitely not much and it's more of a…debate between talking about it and not talking about it. You have no idea about the freak-out I went when writing this and thinking about posting it. I actually had two people review this over just to make sure it wasn't far too offensive (yes, this whole fanfic is offensive but there are things you can't get away with joking about) and they said not so I've done my bit I suppose._

* * *

Chapter 6

Turnover Talk

* * *

"Hummel, you have to know it is vital that you know everything about me so I put up little sticky notes all around your closet so you can understand me better."

"Understand you better? You are a hypersexual meerkat that refuses to shave off his pubic hair. What else do I need to know?"

"Hummel, that's not nice. What if one day, we get married and adopt Chinese children – don't you want to know who you're marrying and who is being a role model to your children? Or what if one day, you decided that you want to make me a turnover but you have no idea what I want in it."

"That's easy, Sebastian. I would never voluntarily make you a turnover to begin with, and if I was to make you a turnover, I would just make my favourite flavour seeing as _you eat every damned thing in sight that doesn't include fibre, complex carbohydrates or proper minerals_."

"Not true. I do not like wild rabbit turnover, no matter what may Nona says."

"Sebastian, firstly, I do not have wild rabbits to make turnovers with. Secondly, I have come to realise your Nona has a feeding fetish and will feed us things that are not normally in most people's diets."

"Ew, bastard, that's my grandmother. See? Even my Nona thinks you should be trying to gain weight, not lose it."

"Well, at how smoothly my diet is going, I will gain weight, so I have decided to try Atkins. We are having lamb chops for dinner, as well as a fresh garden salad. I may consider putting cheese into yours but I have a tendency of nibbling when I'm making food so nibbling on cheese is unacceptable."

"No, Hummel, you cannot go on Atkins. I had an impromptu decision last night that I will turn vegan so I refuse to participate in your satanic rituals with breathing, live animals."

"They're already dead when I bought them. Your veganism does nothing. Besides, you had a huge hamburger yesterday."

"I said that I had an impromptu decision last night. After dinner. And after seeing the manuals of how a cow birthed a calf I have decided that I will not eat that baby because the mother went through hell and back to give us this wonderful calf. Besides, people always call me Bassie, like the cow, so I have special connections with cows, so therefore, I will not allow you to murder any form of once living meat."

"…where is this video? I want to watch it. I want to be put off meat forever. Do you realise that this is one of the easiest way to lose weight?"

"Hummel, you beast. I'm doing this for the baby cows."

"I'm doing this because I'm shallow and want to drop a few pounds. I thought you approved of vanity."

"This is too far, Hummel. I mean do you know what they do to the babies? They take the baby from his mother that just went through hell to kill him. They drag him and shoot him in the brain with a fucking gun. I refuse to allow this cow torture to go on."

"I may or may not be inclined to remind you, Sebastian – cows produce methane, far too much of it as well. If nobody ate meat, we will all die due to global warming."

"I don't have the heart to eat baby cow, Hummel. It's obscure."

"But you have the heart to try to assault, blackmail and bully the Warblers and my friends, which are the kindest group of people you may meet in your life."

"But I didn't eat the Warblers. Or threaten to surgically cut off your stepbrother's leg. All I did was almost blind your boyfriend, make your stepbrother's body image issues so bad he kind of lost three or ten pounds, and I may have slightly aiding in the slow unravelling of your relationship with Blaine."

"You had sex with me until I felt guilty enough to break it off with Blaine, whom got over me by buying a mug and naming it Kurt. He also instagramed said mug and said that Kurt was drowning in his tears of misery."

"Anyhow, no meat for dinner. I am boycotting any sources of meat being given to me. I will not eat it and you will be inclined to throw in your diet because you will have to eat the meat instead of me so thus, more calories. Here is a new fact to know about me, Hummel: I am being more human to animals and more animalistic to humans."

"Sebastian, I wonder where you get these thoughts from."

"Alright, listen to my facts about myself – because I realised I taped them on your underwear and you refuse to wear underwear, so: firstly, as you know, I have lived in Paris for about ten years of my life so if you ever want to speak in French to me to turn me on in bed, I may slap you senselessly as the last time I was spoken to in French by one of my lovers, it ended up with me holding a gun and running around naked to the police so therefore, do not speak in French and remind me of a badly dressed abusive ex-boyfriend or I will probably accidentally kill you."

"You were abused? Aww, come here, I'll give you a hug – that's sad. It's very sad. I want you to know that I will never hurt you in any physical manner."

"No, this is why I don't tell people, Hummel. I do not need your hugs. He used to hug me and then spank me and tie me in a closet for five hours. You know how bad it is to be in a closet for five hours listening to him having sex with someone I probably know? It does not make me happy. Therefore, no hugging will be permitted. Also, closet doors are open all the time."

"This honestly upsets me to hear any of that."

"Shut up. I am merely stating facts. I do not need your pity over something that already happened and is in the past. There's no use bringing back stupid old scars of shit that I want to forget about anyway. If you want to comfort me, you will make me a turnover."

"I'm serious, Sebastian. I don't like hearing the fact that you were abused by any guy. It's a little thing called love that you clearly need to understand."

"Why the hell do people talk about past abusive relationships anyway? It's stupid because it makes you remember all of the bad crap so really, it is futile for you to know what happened. It's stupid for people to talk about how miserable they were. It's definitely not a mood lifter and it's gonna hurt like Hell so why the fuck should I do it? Just know that there was a guy and he liked to drink things and I'm not talking about the fluffy hot chocolate shit his Mother made him either."

"That's terrible."

"This is depressing, Hummel. What is the point of this conversation? I was about to tell you about things that you must remember about me. Anyway, I also like turnover a lot and I'm talking about apple turnovers. Berries are nice too. I do not like wild rabbit turnovers, and I am a recently turned vegan. If you ever want to show your gratitude for your incessant admiration of the sculpt of my ass, then you are able to make me turnovers. You are not allowed to kill baby cows. Or say things in French because I own a gun and if you are shot, it's your fault."

"Wait, wait, maybe your new-found veganism is your way of dealing with the things that happened to you years ago."

"Hummel, what did I tell you about trying to psychoanalyse me and bringing back bad memories? This is why I don't tell you anything. Why do you insist on making my life a living Hell?"

"I'm your sexually appealing and fashionable boyfriend. It's my job. However, I'm serious. It may have happened in the past but it hurts me still."

"Hurts the both of us then, Hummel, but think about it this way, if you're trying to move on from your failures in life – let's say you were an uneducated sixth grader and did some crazy shit, the last thing you need is for someone to remind you that you were that stupid sixth grader. You do not kick someone when they are down – hell; chances are that kick is to the nuts. And it hurts like hell when you're kicked in the nuts. I don't know if you know that because even if I saw you cock, I'm still convinced you have a vagina."

"Sebastian, an abusive relationship is more painful than that example you gave me. You do not just mention your past with this guy once and expect me to drop it. Besides, the fact that you told me not to speak to you in French in bed tells me you're not fully over it."

"I wish you would drop it and of course, I'm not fully over it. I'm fucking claustrophobic and that bastard used to lock me in a closet, but what good does it do now that I've told you all of this shit? I've told my therapist already. You are not my therapist. You are my boyfriend. I'm supposed to hide shit from you."

"I'm just trying to understand you. You are honestly a book that is written in the most verbose way in a language that I don't even know."

"It better not be French. I own a gun."

"Sebastian, that is not funny. Stop hiding behind a barrier."

"More psychoanalysis, Freud?"

"It's true. If you keep on just making jokes about something this serious, I am inclined to believe you have this barrier and I have to try and decipher everything you do. You have to admit I have a _point_ this time. You honestly can't cope with it so you're trying to make it sound funny so that you can take it nonchalantly but it is not okay. I'm just telling you this in case you want to have a warm milk talk with me. Also, if I ever say anything out of line or lay a hand on you in a way that you don't like me to, don't make it sound okay by joking about it. It is not okay, Sebastian."

"Are we done? This sounds like my therapist talking."

"Now that that is out of the way and I have put my point across, you are still insufferable, but I love you for every grain of it."

"Make me a turnover."

"Fine. I'll make you a turnover."

_-Later-_

"…Hummel, this isn't okay. When I said 'make me a turnover', I do not mean for you to write things on it with jam saying _if you don't want to talk about it, you can talk to this lamp I bought you. _I am not spilling my secrets to a lamp."

"It is much easier to talk to inanimate objects than real people."

"This, yet again, is why I never ever talk to you about anything. Except sex, and turnovers. And the fact that your butt needs to be rounder."

"If you don't want to talk to me because you hate talking to people, you're not talking to a lamp then if I bring in a baby cow, will you talk to that, your vegan highness?"

"No. Go away. Also, this turnover tastes horrible."

"Sebastian, I may one day pray to a deity for your sake. Also, that turnover was _perfect_. I know because I bloody ate half of it."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	7. Eggs & Cardio

_alright, i don't know many of you and your ideas about the last chapter, but here's a new one._ yikes._ i should really update this more often :S._

* * *

Chapter 7

Eggs and Cardio

* * *

"Hummel, I'm just wondering how you think it can't be _okay_ to dress up like a Chanel catalogue threw up on you."

"Sebastian, you make me hate myself."

"Whenever I see your blemished, stretch mark-filled body attempting to pull off pants that do not fit a sad-looking model that does not eat food, I have to restrain myself from tearing off said clothing. Mostly because I have to restrain myself from sex. Other times, I'd rather have you dressed as Santa fucking Claus."

"Why are you being extra insulting this morning? Someone threatened to chop off your balls?"

"Yes, you did. Repeatedly. And it is my fault for being so painfully irritating when you have decided that all I need to live is some shitty broccoli and cauliflower with soy cheese for breakfast when you eat underdeveloped chicks under my watch."

"Eggs? Yes, they were delightful, with actual feta and spinach. Low-carb and only at two hundred calories."

"Your vanity disgusts me. It reminds me of my Mother when she starts talking about how all the men wanted to pound her whore ass."

"…how pleasant."

"No, it is not pleasant. And neither is breakfast. And for fuck's sake, I will donate a kidney if you take off those pants. Are you trying to squeeze in size 00 pants or something because that is as tight as shit and this time, I'm not even thinking about my cock, I'm just thinking about how hard it must be for you to take off that crap when you have to pee."

"…Sebastian, how do you get these thoughts? How do you come up with these conclusions?"

"What conclusions and thoughts? One cannot simply think on crappy vegetables and chalky soy cheese. I think I already died from lack of sugar rush."

"Well, you said you wanted me to take off my pants and your mind didn't even think of sex, so therefore, I believe that you are either dead or in a very special coma where people exchange thoughts with each other."

"Hummel, what if you are in my head? Can I finally make you go away?"

"I tried that. Multiple times and am sad to report no success."

"Why do you exist, Hummel?"

"Because my parents had sex."

"Gross motherfucker."

"Sebastian, you are aware that my Mother is dead and I'm gay so I can't really perform any sexual relations even if I wanted to with my biological Mother."

"You're in a good mood."

"I haven't broken my diet in all the four hours I was awake in, so yes, I am in a charming mood – I think your dread and perpetual despair actually adds to my mood more-so than hurts me."

"This is exactly like the time that you thought you may be bisexual so we had a threesome with Lopez."

"How is it exactly like that time?"

"You looked way too excited to see female vagina and I was sitting there neglected, with my cock eagerly waiting for you to suck on it."

"…Sebastian, I was _not_ excited to see female vagina. I was shocked that she had a piercing down there."

"I was abandoned for boobs. If I was Taylor Swift, I'd write a song about how my boyfriend fucked a woman in front of me."

"I was _experimenting_. _You_ told me to."

"The only good thing that came out of that lack of threesome since I had to get off on my own was the fact that Lopez had the most awesome pregnancy scare ever. It was the most hilarious thing I've ever seen in my life."

"That is the most sadistic thing I've ever heard."

"I still can't grasp on the fact that you're bisexual. I keep thinking that a cat can fuck you and I'm not talking about my bulimic cat."

"I like feeling empowering – even if Santana did spend most of the time telling me that she had no idea I knew how to have any type of sexual relation with anyone. Sebastian, stop talking. You are ruining my good mood."

"It's my job."

"No, your job is to get off that couch and stop being so depressing."

"You killed me, remember, Hummel? I am a dead man, a dead tired man that can't even get turned on talking about sex."

"I can only wish you were dead."

"I knew you were with me because of my family's money. I'm impressed. Actually, now, that's kind of a turn-on. I think I am restoring full Sebastian-ness right now. I can remember who I am. I am Sebastian Smythe, seventeen years old and in an illegal relationship with a princess. I like to be fucked, fuck people, suck cock and be sucked. I also like assault, intimidating people and blackmailing others."

"…how fortunate of you to find yourself."

"Hummel? Take off those fucking pants."

"Because you hate it?"

"Because it's so tight I can see the full extent of your erection."

"Well, your unhappiness was a turn-on. I'm sorry."

"Hot."

"…Sebastian, yet again, we need to talk about how you define things, such as sexually appealing, hilarious, and also, since I just remembered – your definition of diet since a diet does not mean that I can eat a whole cheesecake and spend 8 hours asleep burning it off."

"Shut up, Hummel. Can't you see I'm sexually frustrated?"

"Oh, that. I thought that was the normal for you."

"I want to be fucked with whips. And chains. And a harness."

"Sebastian, it's only three pm."

"Fuck me. It's hot cardio."

_-Later-_

"…Finnegan, no, I am completely serious."

"Kurt, I still don't believe you do cardio. Like ever."

"It was _incredibly_ strenuous."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	8. Vegan Discussions

_my laptop has finally been fixed. sorta. i do have an ability to update things now whereas before, i could not, so here is the next chapter. for those that dont' know, my laptop died._

* * *

Chapter 8

Vegan Discussions

* * *

"Sebastian, did you try to sabotage my diet by adding three rolls of deliciously buttered rolls on my plate?"

"Why would you say that?"

"…because nobody else tries to sabotage my diet but you and myself sometimes?"

"I was not the culprit to your diet sabotage. I would never touch butter. Who knows what animal has been tortured to extract that butter?"

"Sebastian, firstly, you use cream as an ingredient when you are making butter. Yes, cream is derived from your precious cow, but your cow was not tortured in the process. No udder has been harmed in the making of said milk. I don't think you can abuse an udder."

"Really? What the fuck was the guy who was inventing milk doing to the cow then? Did he decide to suck down there just to quell his mind? We're praising a fucking sexually obsessed beast here."

"Is he your cousin?"

"I refuse to be related to this udder abuser. Motherfucker, if he wanted to suck something resembling a nipple—"

"Okay, now. This all spun because I mentioned buttered bread. I should never do that again. It's a reminder to stick to my diet."

"It's easier to go to the moon and back than for you to stick to your diet."

"Thanks for your eternal support."

"I hope when you're done with your attempts at losing weight that you decide to reward your efforts with a trip to Dairy Queen."

"I'm pretty sure Dairy Queen abuses udders too. They're not very vegan friendly."

"Fuck cows. Who cares? I want fries."

"You just told the guy not to fuck cows, now you're telling him that he is allowed to have as much sexual intercourse with said cow?"

"Hummel, this is a disturbing conversation. I might never drink milk again."

"You're a vegan. You're not supposed to be drinking milk."

"There's that almond shit that Berry got me. And there's that soy shit that you drink because of your allergy to—wait a second, why the hell are you eating buttered shit? You have an allergy to milk and shit."

"Sebastian, have you not noticed that I don't use normal butter, or eat normal cheese, or any of that? Up until now? I say 'butter' because it's a lot easier than saying 'I'm spreading Earth Balance: Soy Garden' on my bread. Perhaps, you want me to say: 'I'm drinking some Silk milk right now!' Or maybe you want me to tell you about how I'm currently eating a delicious serving of Sunergia soy feta! It's easier to just say feta cheese, butter, and milk, Sebastian."

"Even with words, you're lazy. Come on. Tell me exactly what you had for breakfast."

"I had about two pieces of high-fibre bread with Daiya cheese. It's a dairy-free substitute before you say anything."

"What about the bread? What if you die if there's milk on the bread? Fuck you, Hummel. Be careful."

"Sebastian, you don't make bread with milk."

"That's a lie. The bread your Dad bought yesterday was buttermilk—"

"Sebastian, you better be joking."

"No, your face is all red. It's hilarious."

"Out of my house."

"No."

"…fine. Stay away from me."

"But I love you."

"Lies. If you loved me, you wouldn't have let me leave to go to school with a face of me breaking out. Sebastian, how about I murder you?"

"Murder me? For vanity?"

"You'd understand."

"How can I understand if I'm dead, Hummel? Plus, you can't fuck me when I'm dead. It'll be like necrophilia."

"It _is_ necrophilia."

"Do you really want to be a necrophilic, Hummel?"

"At this rate, the thought of fucking your decaying corpse very much arouses me."

"That's actually sexy. Bonnie and Clyde have nothing on us."

"…Sebastian, this conversation is scaring me."

"Your face has scared me countless of times before so it's only fair."

"I hate you."

"Aww. You're so sweet, Hummel."

"How would you know? You're a vegan. Your life is meaningless and bland."

"That one actually hurt."

"…Sebastian?"

"Yeah?'

"I just realised something. Vegans can't eat things extracted from animals. Humans are part of the animal kingdom. There's no way in Hell you're vegan."

"Why?"

"Semen is not vegan, Sebastian."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	9. Big Things

_Sam has not been updating. baaaaaaaaaaaaaad. i'll update more frequently now. promise._

* * *

Chapter 9

Big Things

* * *

"Hummel, I'm on the fifteen week of my strike against banning hair gel for workers in the Lima Bean."

"Firstly, you don't work at the Lima Bean. Secondly, you rely on hair dryers to give you a horrendous amount of volume to your hair."

"Blaine works in the Lima Bean part-time and they won't let him gel his hair, so I'm on a strike."

"Sebastian, what did I tell you about your never-ending love and affection for my ex-boyfriend?"

"Hummel, you don't understand. He's in a real crisis here."

"No, he lost weight. I talked to him. He's accidentally lost thirty-five pounds of weight. He weighs 115. He's 5'8. He looks like skeleton. He is not in a crisis. He's in good hands now."

"You know, not everyone is vain and not everyone wants to squeeze into whatever size Blaine is."

"He has a 28 inch waist. He has 34 inch hips."

"…he's dead. I get it. You're turned on by dead people."

"He's thin."

"No, thin is you. Thin is me. Blaine is sick-looking. I think you need a lesson in the fact that he looks like a sexy skeleton rather than a human being. If he gains 50 pounds, he'd be perfect."

"You and your feeding fetish."

"No, I have a fetish of fucking normal sized people."

"Says the underweight narcissist."

"This is my natural body weight."

"Lies. Nobody's born underweight."

"Actually, several children are. It's called: hey, look, my Mother's a bitch and won't feed me. Something I had a case of."

"I wonder why people might not want to feed you. It's definitely not your charming personality. We don't want to bother. We hope you die from being malnourished."

"Crap. I'd rather you put a gun to my head than deny me pizza."

"You denied yourself pizza by saying that you're vegan. And also semen."

"Fuck, why am I so masochistic?"

"You won't tell me about your traumatic past with your abusive boyfriend so it's not my fault that I don't know the answer."

"Not this again. There's a reason for that. Traumatic past. Not present, even though a part of me considers this as trauma."

"Sebastian, you need to let me in."

"I did. You got right in my ass with your dick. What else do you want?"

"You. To talk about your feelings."

"I don't have any so this argument is invalid."

"Your hair is invalid and defies several laws of gravity but it still exists."

"So you think that I have feelings that are not linked to sleeping or food?"

"Yes."

"Wow, you expect a lot of me. My ex-boyfriend didn't."

"What did your ex expect of you then?"

"No, that's depressing shit that will make me cry. I don't want to tell you. Can I text you?"

"Sebastian, tell me."

"No."

"You are such a child."

"You're turned on by that, aren't you?"

"I'm sorry, Sebastian. I am not a paedophile."

"I feel like a paedophile. You still resemble a small twelve year old boy, but then you start using big words and giving me that look that makes me shrivel up like a small piece of grape bathed in a sucrose solution."

"At least you're a _small_ piece of grape. I'm a grape so large that a small child would choke on me when they put me in their mouth."

"I completely agree on you being big – if that comment was totally about your cock."

"My cock is not the only thing that is big in me. My ass needs to drop down a few pants sizes. However, your cock is just about the only thing in you that can be considered big."

"Not true. My ego has its own capital."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


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